How To "Sign With" St. Francis de Sales as your Secret Literary Agent

1. Print out the St. Francis de Sales Digital Icon™.

2. Cut him out. You may laminate him if you wish, but avoid excessive heat. You can also glue him to cardboard, but if you do, be sure to use only that white paste you used to eat when you were in kindergarten. DO NOT use mucilage, airplane glue, Super Glue, or epoxy. DO NOT pierce St. Francis de Sales with staples or pins.

3. Place your St. Francis de Sales Digital Icon™ "face up" underneath the last page of the manuscript you are trying to sell. What this mean is that he essentially takes on the role of the ultimate page of your manuscript. If your manuscript is 331 pages long, for example, St. Francis will be page #332. If your manuscript is 665 pages long, consider adding a page so St. Francis will not become "666." (You also might consider deleting a couple hundred pages, because a selling a 665-page manuscript is a pretty tall order, even for somebody with a direct line to God.) If you have done everything correctly, St. Francis will be "gazing upwards through" your pages, "charging" them with canonical power. DO NOT place St. Francis face down in what is known as the "slush pile" or "circular file" position.

4. Put your manuscript in a "safe and secure" place, either flat or on its side on a bookshelf. Dan Brown is said to have used the "supine" position, while Nicholas Sparks has reportedly preferred the "at attention" position. (Tip: DO NOT send a manuscript containing St. Francis to another literary agent.)

5. That's all! Let "dear St. Frank" do the rest! (Don't forget to assign the appropriate royalty share to St. Francis de Sales. We are pleased to accommodate all liturgically sanctioned remuneration to St. Francis de Sales. Just send us your credit card number (and that little number on the back that proves you have the card) and we'll take care of the rest!)

Troubleshooting FAQ

1. May I tape St. Francis to the last page of my manuscript?

No. DO NOT tape St. Francis de Sales.

2. I can only print in black and white. May I color St. Francis de Sales?

Yes.

3. Is it OK to print St. Francis de Sales on recycled paper?

Interesting question. It's reported that Dan Brown used an old fish and chips wrapper to print out his St. Francis de Sales, and obviously, that worked really well. It's counter-intuitive, but we say, if it "feels right" to you, go for it!

4. I put my St. Francis de Sales Digital Icon™ in my manuscript six months ago, but nothing has happened. What should I do?

Please ask again after seven months.

5. I put my St. Francis de Sales Digital Icon™ in my manuscript seven months ago, but nothing has happened. What should I do?

Many famous authors avow that sending money to St. Francis de Sales was the key to their success, and -- interestingly enough -- the larger the gift, the greater the reward! We are pleased to accommodate all liturgically sanctioned remuneration to St. Francis de Sales. Just send us your credit card number (and that little number on the back that proves you have the card) and we'll take care of the rest!